Moan for me like Helen Keller
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
