Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
