it hurts more in the daytime
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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