I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
