You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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