Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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