you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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