She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
