PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
