Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
