Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
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