I can't breathe out the right side of my face
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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