I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
