Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
