You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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