If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
