So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
