my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
