How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize