So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You can't special order awesome
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
