its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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