EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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