Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
