i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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