Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
