If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
farters have to be the big spoon...
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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