He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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