Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
