By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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