Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
