Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
