The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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