im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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