Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
