I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Randomize
