I wish I could teleport
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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