I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
