Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
