i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
