Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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