Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
