I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
