i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
