I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
