it's too hot outside to masturbate.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
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