if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
