Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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