Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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