and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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