Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
