the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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