I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
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