sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
It's never too late to be topless.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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