I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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