Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
