That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
