Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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