i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
