dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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