the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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