i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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