So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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