Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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