My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
