Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
