Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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