All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize