If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
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