why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize