Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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