We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
accomplished twins. life is a go
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize