It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
