I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
