What a fucking waste of an outfit
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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