I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
