I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
