So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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