Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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